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Standing Out -- Playing the Team Sport Alone
There isn't much to deal with loneliness. As a child, I used to call up my parents, no matter where they were, be it in a another country, or what they were doing, i called only to declare what I so normally felt, "Mommy, Daddy, I'm lonely."
I don't remember anyone telling me about that word, or what it meant. It never came to my naive mind that it was one word out of so many that meant much. No, I did not know the dfinition of the word I labeled myself to be -- loneliness. No, I didn't know, but I felt. How would it be like, I wonder, if. . . nevermind.
Presently speaking, I am alone right now, completely independent on people's opinions, haitng it when being surrounded by the world, or even the smallest of crowds as they constantly watch me to fail. Well, that's my perception of the world, at least. There are only few I trust.
The world abandoned me, and I'm okay with it, because I found God. It has given me all the reason to abandon it as well. But part of me tells me that. . . that I have to try. Being alone isn't okay, although I find it quite peaceful. And if it is unnecesary to entertain the world, then I'd rather go my own way, be in my own world. I wonder if it's wrong. . .
I'm fine where I am. . . But that's all I keep telling myself.
The Day I Disappeared
Such a great day today. Bonding with Zyron, Xavi, and block, and other blocks, and this other block. Haha. Days are fun when you don't have a phone.
Then people got worried that i was missing, which i wish they didn't. I could have sworn that I told people about my test that would last til 6. Oh well. Kinda ruined my day because
1. Tomrrow, people are going to be all, "OMG BEKAH! YOU WENT MSSING DAW?! ARE YOU OKAY?!"
Duh.
2. I feel bad for making the m worry. Although I know that they care so so much to worry so so much, well, I should have confirmed my staying in school for a very very long time. Oh well.
You know, there should really be this law that requires a certain minimum hieght to be able to drive. because, I swear, in the car I was in yesterday, not only did the person smoke, with open windows on a rainy hour, she cursed because she couldn't see the humps. So very petite. Well, the physique. . the words just screwed the persona all up. Haha. i compared her teeny size to the person next to her more often than not. Her size wasn't exactly hard to miss -- neither was the cursing.
Hmm. . . Yeh, they really should do that. Why am I writing? I had a good day :D. A great day. No more math. I think I passed math. Joy and joyness.
Who Cares
There is a wall right there. Right where I'm walking. Right where I want to go. I try going back, but there's another wall. I try going around, but there are walls on both my sides. My trust I give to people will be the death of me, I swear it.
It's no wonder why I merely share jokes with people at school. . . there is no personal life. No, I've lived one big joke. So they know.
It's in school where I find myself closer to the world, so I try not to make myself vulnerable, I guess. Even to the people I know I can trust. . . I just can't. Even the people I've once trusted before. . I guess it shrinking.
Then I find myself trusting people who have broken my trust. But I love them, I so love them. They were those I chose to trust way back when. They were those I thought would always be there. But as most drift away, my trust stays the same. And its. . . ironic. I know I shouldn't trust them. .. but its so. .easy to slip. . to share my life. . .
I'm sorry
Goodnight, Dear
How it exists,
And so subtley
changes.
How things were there
That, now, are gone.
With days,
Like strangers,
Pass by, they come,
Like you and I.
So hence the sky is probably blue,
And the grass is probably green,
And I probably love you. . .
Probably, probably,
Like seasons changing,
Porbably.
I wish you goodnight,
Coz the starry sky
Looks as beautiful
As when it was probably blue.
Help me.
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