Everyone
"But it doesn't really sound the same when nobody is listening."
That's how it kind of is in a new school with new people, new halls and new schedule. it could be uncomfortable, being so new, being lost, looking lost. It's difficult to strike conversations with strangers; you feel like yer obliged to make them laugh. And even if you do make them laugh, you just feel like you gotta give them more -- get them impressed somehow, even if you dont know how much it takes to get them impressed.
But, despite that, its been easier knowing that these people feel exactly the same as you do./
Amongst so much awkwardness comes the best comfort and luxury such a situation could provide.
Today Was A Good Day
I woke up at 4:50 am today after having a swell slumber. I did my quiet time -- it was about success, and I wondered how I could make today successful, being the first day of college. Maybe make some friends and meet the old ones, or depict great participation and answer a lot of questions. Maybe get to know the campus a little bit, walk alone, try not to look like a freshie. So I did just that. Today was a good day. It could be worse. Still, it could be better. There was no anxiety, no more worries. I've lived it, learned it, and here I go again. Here comes a new chapter. For the glory of God.
If I Meant It
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I've set you apart.
I can remember how it sounded, the way I heard it, when it wasn't sung. When there were no insturments but two -- the flowing of words and that beating heart. i remember when lyrics were sentences -- applicable not to just a musician, but to all. These words -- all these words -- they were said, they were felt, they were lived.
Would it mean much if I cried?
Won the Battle
It's one thing to know that you are in a struggle. . . it's another thing to know Who you're struggling for.
There is no battle without meaning, no soldier without objective. It is purpose that gives perspective, light, and existence.
Why do we battle, why do we choose? Why must there be terms of comparative degree -- bad, good, best. And why, oh why, did there have to be a difference?
Because we were given the choice, once when a Man was stripped off his regal robes, spat at, tortured, and killed, all for the sake of love. All for the sake of love. And before that, our demise was clear - -eternal damnation in the pits of hell.
If not for that death -- that pure example of love -- what choice would we have but death of our spirit. So why do we battle? Because of love.
Thank You for the struggles. . For the choices.
Yo Hey Vav Hey
It's the sound of breathing, the gesture of being alive, the act that stands to say that we can live. More often than not, we are unaware of the life we're living; unaware of the breathes we're breathing. So many times we are unaware that, without the ability to breathe, we are merely clumps of dirt, ready to crumble -- so fragile, so weak.
We live with ourselves -- a paradox of our own bodies. We move as dust, as a vapor in the wind, but alive with breath and soul -- breathed from God so insignificantly significant.
We are unaware that we are not our own bodies. That depending on dust, thinking that we are stong is futile without breathing. We cancel the simple thing in life that allows us life. The breath of life -- a soul, a goal, a purpose, a declaration that there IS a God.
"Yo Hey Vav Hey . . . could it be that the name of God is the sound of breathing?"
"What does a new born baby have to do first to keep on living? Breathe, or declare the name of God?"
Keep Telling Yourself
So I like him. But may be in a year or two, I won't. One day, I won't. At this very moment, I can say i'm tortured. But it's only a moment.
I've had my share of moments.
I've had that moment when I was jealous of that other girl. . . I regret. i never had the right.
I've had that moment of arguing with you. . . saying I thought we had to end. I meant it that time, but. . .
I've had that moment when I loved you, and felt loved by you. But like the time i was mad at you, it didn't last.
I have moments when I still love you, when I want to see you smile that smile. Maybe it'll pass too. Why not? It isn't that bad. Although it sucks that I give it a lot of credit. Like now.
Moments are just moments. A passing a time. A vapor in the wind. They should have never been the basis of anything...
Shortcut
The goal for contentment can easily be lost. After all, the human heart can never stop wanting or desiring. It's not that its right to stop trying to be content with life, its just that its way easier to just want and long for something forbidden. Besides, either way, it hurts.
And it isn't just because of those songs that make you remember, the familiar places that you've been to, the people you know, or any of that. It's not jsut because of those escapable things. It's those memories that you can't seem to shake of. Those notices that you have to forgive, and yet probably impossible to forget. Besides, it was a first. . . how can it be forgotten?
Being told to just forget is just. . . well, its contentment, or a part of it. Up until now, I can say that the things around me and my God have kept me from him. I felt happy, and I never wanted to go back to the past. I forgave, and I didn't want to remember.
He was the distraction. Maybe everything else was there for me to see, love, and experience, but he just came so perfect at merely the wrong time. It was my own fault to complicate life this much. I guess I was dumb. Naive. It can't be helped. I'll always be more naive today than yesterday.
I can't seem to forget. . . how happy we were in the past. Or, at least, i was happy. If the world was mine to give, I'd probably give it to him. That's how much I loved.
But maybe wallowing and remembering isn't the best solution. Although it's so much easier.
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